dirty golf quotes

Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Ellis Parker Butler, Its good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. Why do golfers hate cake? What did Chamillionaire say when he came in a stroke under par? After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, You know, when I was your age, Id hit the ball right over that tree. With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. Being a thoughtful person, and a social being, I find it very amusing to explore people's thoughts, observations, and experiences. Sunday Service. Ewan McGregor, It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. The pressure originates in yourself; it builds from doubts. And, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. Not sure who said it, but whoever did understands the game, at times, doesnt make much sense. I`m really worried about myself. The lowest score wins. How do you know a golfer is cheating on his wife? Your butt reminds me of St Andrews.. Hard and Firm. The battle that raged inside each players head. For more great quotes on life, golf and from books and authors, check out this site and this site. Andy who? You "Putt" Me In A Great Mood. Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. Roarin' Mcllroy "The most important shot in golf is the next one." Intercourse! A two-foot putt on the practice green doesnt spark many doubts. You will find the quotes being used everywhere, coming from ordinary people like us, who are just famous. Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five. You want some dirty golfing jokes, we got them for you. Spread your legs shoulder width, that's the first step to a successful golf swing. Achieve more with each and every round you play.Go Premium to et full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. Instead, here's a great clip of Chi Chi talking about ladies he sees golfing. 1. "If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.". If you think youre standing too close to the ball, make sure youve actually struck it with your club after swinging. No defenders, no game clock, no excuses. If it is the dirty element that gives pleasure to the act of lust, then the . / They havent turned up, and I doubt if they will. See more ideas about golf humor, golf, humor. "I'm the best. fodrizzle. Robert Fuller Murray, Be a mind beater-not a ball beater. Because I'm going to come after you aggressively and probably leave a ball mark. Phyllis Diller, with her outrageous teased hair and housewife caricature stage persona, was a master of delivery and comedic timing. Originally posted by raffa nunyez. Joe Tessitore, The least thing upset him on the links. Why dont grasshoppers play golf? And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." The actor's quote relays an essential truth: Even the most mild-mannered golfer tends to lose his head when he sees or suspects someone else has hit or picked up his golf ball. I am Jimmy, clown at heart. What do you do after a round of 18 on a hot sunny day? -- Lee Trevino "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. P-U-T-T is correct, the instructor replied. Lee Trevino, 59. Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best-ball match wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation. Ben Hogan, I dont play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good. What do you call a lion playing golf? Funny Family Poems. Are you a Nike One Platinum ball because I'd like to see you on a T? Ahole in oneis amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole. Well have whatever Mac OGrady is smoking. And there are windmills. Mulligans are the reason golf balls come three to a sleeve. Their expectation, however, is very different. Bob Bruce One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. Twelfth son of the Lama. Man: "Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass." A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. Try choking donw on the shaft. Your email address will not be published. Recently, I have discovered that Blogging can be quite a useful way, to share. Perhaps it's the depth of (often negative) emotion the average golfer feels as a result of the game that inspires him to wax poetic. Are you a water hazard? Jennifer Wyatt, Muscular freedom is probably more important in golf than in any other sport, but very few players take the trouble to get loosened up. Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. Thats incredible. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. A great golf course both frees and challenges a golfers mind. Tom Watson, 7. 4. "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.". The worst day of mini golf beats the best day of work. I promise to lick your balls clean and polish your shaft before and after each use during the upcoming golf season. 3. In case he got a hole in one! 7. I have been able to hope for the best, expect the worst, and take what comes along. Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Golf Club Distance & Driving Distances for Women Golfers, Providing a Community & Womens Golf Resources, How to Build Consistency in Your Golf Game, Golf is Hard. The famed author of Centaur, John Updike wrote about the gentleman's game with some regularity. The Jew, bragging about his virility said, I have four sons, one more and I will have a basketball team!, The Catholic pooh-poohs that accomplishment, stating, That is nothing actually. You get bad breaks from good shots, good breaks from bad shots - but you have to play where it lies." Bobby Jones 23. Steve Bann, Theres a reason why golfers walk forward to their next shot. Oh you only have a threesome, mind if I join? Two, be your own person. 19th Hole Bonus Quote: While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. In case he gets a hole in one. Eight. The little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. Happy Gilmore. The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network. Big pupils lead to big scores. The great champions have all come back from defeat. Sam Snead. Not just in the game, but that can be applied to life, relationships and ones mindset. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Although the same can be said of the rest of the items on this list, just reading the quote doesn't really do justice to its comedic value. Golf Skirts & Golf Skorts Stylish, Fun & Comfortable. Required fields are marked *. when we were married," said the pouting wife. It took one afternoon on the golf course. Hank Aaron, owner of 755 home runs and one amazing golf quote. To find a mans true character, play golf with him. P.G. How do you know you should be a golfer? He said. 21. My shaft is bent. He looked at his caddie and said, Ive played so badly all day, I think Im going to drown myself in that lake., The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, Im not sure you could keep your head down that long.. She can only show you her dirty secrets in private, only with you. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a468f26f096b5aaed8fdef8efc580f6f" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Hey babycan you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose? Read more: Hilarious poop jokes that kids will love! All he knows how to play with is Clubs! No, but I'm willing to screw in them. Everyday I'm Schauffele. What are a golfers favorite flowers? Harry Vardon, There is no movement in golf that cannot be made more difficult through diligent study and practice. Would you mind being treated like a green that I'm 140 yards away from, holding my pitching wedge with very little wind in any direction? Please sign up with your best email address. Think the shot through in advance before you address the ball. How do you "Tiger" proof a golf course? 150 Puns From All Walks of Life. The end. A dinner without wine. I have always had a drive that pushed me to try for perfection, and golf is a game that perfection stays just out of reach. Betsy Rawls, 12. One minute youre bleeding. What do you call a blonde at the driving range? These funny golf quotes and images coming from famous wise people are the most precious words worth sharing. Clubbing. I was actually enjoying it. Hey would you like what you're hiding in your tight jeans to be the 34th ranked golfer in the world because I can make that V-jay sing? Sawdust City LLC. Mulligans are the reason golf balls come three to a sleeve. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. Jack Burke, Every golfer worthy of the name should have some acquaintance with the principles of golf course design, not only for the betterment of his game but for his own selfish enjoyment. Mickey Mantle, Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course the space between your ears. It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing youre a bad golfer. Because it would interrupt their tea time. Chuck Hogan, Dont play too much golf. Playing golf is fun and exciting, but these Short Golf Jokes will make your game enjoyable. I tell it that this isnt going to hurt a bit. 4. 2. Fantastic 4-some. What do you call a blonde at a golf course? 6. clubs. I figured my local caddy knew this course a whole lot better than me, so I just put my hand out and played whatever club he put in it. Your email address will not be published. If you like football - I would rather think that you are active, optimistic and strict a bit. Chip Shot. All lip, no hole. The reason most politicians are golfers is that they lie better with more practice & experience. Here, have a carrot! The means are as important as the ends. Pretty is as pretty does. Harvey Penick, 61. A smart shot is when you dont have the guts to try it. Phil Mickelson, 4. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. Noah. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Tommy Bolt, As golf conquered the United States in the decades preceding World War I, the British import took on new forms. -Bob Hope -Lee Trevino No other game combines the wonder of nature with the discipline of sport in such carefully planned ways. Explore our collection of motivational and famous quotes by authors you know and love. 1. Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). And now it will be poisoned for you. 75 Funny Knock Knock Jokes 2023 to Make You Laugh. But you cant just forget not to think. Dont even putt. Dean Martin, need we say more? H. G. Wells, The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. The threesome were curious what was going on. A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse to play a round of golf together. 4. I love you and I want you to stay with me., Woman: You dont understandIm a hooker., Man: That is no problem, darlin, you probably just have too strong a grip.. Please add a link to this site. A threesome were getting ready to tee off on the 10thwhen they notice a single player, running up the fairway, taking a shot almost immediately to then run up to the green for a 3 putt to put it in. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you cant improve your lie. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. Whats the difference between golf and sex? Please read here for more information. Are you into kinky stuff? Hank Aaron, Golf, golf, golf is all the story! Figure out your weakness and dont make it your weakness anymore. Stacy Lewis, 60. Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken. To find a man's true character, play golf with him. happen again! Youre shooting for the green, and yet, in the end you find yourself in the hole. Don't worry to do dirty jobs. And only one secret has emerged, one swing of thought that always works. If you want to share these funny golf quotes pictures on social media like Fb, Insta, WhatsApp, or Twitter, you can also do that. Features: Size: 7x18 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Some of the best cowboys aren't boys Features: Size: 7x7 inches Made from solid knotty pine Flat edges for shelf-sitting Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Because if you aren't hurt, you're not really trying. Its not just enough to swing at the ball. Because her coach was a pumpkin. Golf is a lot like life. Why did the golfer have to change his socks? P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. no! Weve put together a list of our favorite jokes, golf puns, and one-liners you can bust out on the course, the range, or the pub to try and laugh off that 102 you just shot. Trust is one of the most important qualities in the game of golf. Id cry too if I played golf like you. Most Funny Golf Quotes about Daylight by Ben Hogan Funny Dirty Golf Pictures With Quotes. After shooting 30 over par after 18 holes, Jim is on his way home from the 18th having a chat with his Karen. Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't All Spiritual Signs & Inspirational Signs, TV Stands, Media Tables, & Media Furniture, The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things. We collected these beautiful images with quotes about funny golf for you because we understand the value of your thoughts and feeling. That round was so poor, I think Im going to jump into the lake by the 16th and drown myself, I honestly doubt that. Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course? ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales, 15+ Easy and Funny Animal Riddles for Kids (with answers) 2023, 79 HILARIOUS Holiday Jokes For A Jolly Mood, 49 Jokes about Teachers and Students (that work like Science: Always get a reaction), 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! All the fans are gone! Quotes tagged as "golf" Showing 1-30 of 130. However, it's been poisoned for me by the fact that it was often relayed to customers at a golf course I worked at by an overweight 90-year-old man while I awkwardly feigned amusement in repeated moments of shared weirdness. I never learned anything from a match that I won. Bobby Jones, 62. Dirt your body. Get a Free Golf Handicap in the 18Birdies App. You've got the nicest boobs I've seen outside a PGA Tour locker room. Short Golf Jokes & Puns 1. He was puttering around. / It is a gait he only knows / When he has on his golfing clothes. They are the two things you can thoroughly enjoy even though you are really bad at them. Happiness is a long walk with a putter Greg Norman, 38. Gardner Dickinson, Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious. Are you looking for some funny jokes? Two rounds a day are plenty. Hi there! One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. See you in the Email! I give him the driver. He was perfecting his swing. Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result. Tommy Armour, 40. "It's good to see there is still some respect in the world." "Well, it's only right," the first golfer replies. Or under. My drives aren't always long and straight.. but I can show you what is! However, every person playing the game has the basis of good mental skills for golf. Look at the size of his putter. I hope you like it rough because I don't replace my divots. Winston S. Churchill, You ought to take more exercise if youre inclined to have a liver. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented. Arnold Palmer, 2. Golfing is like masturbation, sex, or pooping?! Enjoy! "Hockey is a sport for white men. Why did the blonde golfing pro cheat on his wife? Go Premium to get full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. Lansky's quote is funny because, well, as golfers we're all a little bit masochistic. Kurt Philip Behm, The reason they call it golf is that all the other 4 letter words were used up. Draw a mental image of where you want it to go and then eliminate everything else from your mind, except how you are going to get the ball into that preferred spot. Sam Snead, 46. Its just really hard to play. What should you do if you're golfing near lightning? Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. "The most important shot in golf is the next one." - Ben Hogan "I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators." - Gerald R. Ford "The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie." - Mickey Mantle "To find a man's true character, play golf with him." - P.G. What do you call Jessica Alba joining you and your buddies for a round of golf? Dirty Golf Sayings. Paul Gallico, I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. Gerald R. Ford, the 38th President of the United States and the first to admit a lack of talent on the links. 1. It will test your patience. Jay Griffiths, Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. 2. Wodehouse, 31. With the exception of the putter and the driver remember that you hit down on every other shot in golf. Golfs three ugliest words: Still your shot. Dave Marr, 36. Your source for the latest and greatest golf news, tips, gear reviews, and giveaways. When a golfer lies, he doesnt have to bring any proof home. Golf is such an individual game, and no two people swing alike. Kathy Whitworth, 14. but I can show you what is! A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. "I was married to her for 35 years." 2. You dont know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket. Lee Trevino at his best. Wanna be my caddy? The worst club in my bag is my brain. Chris Perry, 42. Michael Connelly, The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. Jack Lemmon is probably remembered best for his roles in The Odd Couple and The Apartment. Features: Size: 3.5x10 inches Made from solid knotty pine Routed slot in back for hanging plus flat edges for optional shelf-sitting. Rory McIlroy has a GOOD driver! He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? How we get there is as important as where we go. Old Tim Morris, 6. "If everything was given to you, it wouldn't feel as good when you achieve it." Annika Sorenstam 24. The friend is quite amazed: That dog is really talented! If everything was given to you, it wouldnt feel as good when you achieve it. Annika Sorenstam, 24. It keeps you young. Patty Berg, 29. I'll let you beat me. ~ Sijin Bt. They expect to succeed! If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart." - Arthur Daley. What does a woman do with her asshole before sex? Sam Snead, Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. It can be difficult. Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3. After 18 holes I can barely walk. Just in case they get a slice! Golf is a game where the ball lies like crap, but the player lies like a pro. It can be rewarding. What did the golfer say to the hip hop dancer? From the best players to ever pick up a club to past presidents of the United States, the game of golf is the great equalizer. Siegfried Sassoon, Golf is the infallible test. So, I'm on the first tee with him. The next minute youre painting the Mona Lisa.. "Of course I do, my dear -- it was the day I sank that thirty-foot Why was Cinderella such a poor golfer? 5. nay I my child, and eke, oh! Dave Barry, Golf is the only game I know where you call a foul on yourself. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. First and foremost, you must have confidence. The guys who come Say what you want about the other sports, none of them hold a candle to golf when it comes to inspirational and downright funny quotes. Oh my God, what have I just said?". Sick of the same tired old golf puns and gags? How Long Does It Take to Play 18 Holes of Golf? The most important shot in golf is the next one. Guys will spend at least 5 minutes looking for a golf ball. Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. Paul Harvey calling every golfer out. Noah who? "Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off." Bruce Lansky 15 of 50 Scott Halleran/Getty Images "On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. Why do golfers put minus signs in front of their scores? Henry Beard, Like clubs inside my golf bag / each verse a different face / Some to drive straight down the course / others lift and then embrace. Features: Size: 9x12 inches Made from solid knotty Full Text: Keep Calm and Go For A Run Features: Size: 9x12 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging, Full Text: Beware Of Owner ~ The Dog Features: Size: 7x7 inches Made from solid knotty pine Routed slot in back for hanging plus flat edges for optional shelf-sitting. He attacks it. 8. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. In golf as in life, it is the follow through that makes the difference. Anonymous, 34. That's mispronounced Spanish for cat which is another word foryou get the idea. "I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.". The next minute youre hemorrhaging. Dirty jokes tend to be of sexual nature, make use of coarse language and can be offensive. I give the ball some sweet talk. Golf is about how well you accept, respond to, and score with your misses much more so than it is a game of your perfect shots. Dr. Bob Rotella, 64. If we . I stepped on a rake.". Nothing it should have ducked. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it's always possible to get worse. Obviously I'm a man that loves Gatorade and I'd definitely like to raid your gato. Whats the difference between a golf ball and a car? You must remember not to remember to think. Im a friend and all Im going to do is give it a nice little ride. Sam Snead, 35. Any birdie will do. Because subtraction speaks louder than words. Many golfing terms sound naughty. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." What's the difference between a golf ball and a car? Don Adams, Theres an old saying in golf that when the wind blows the men are separated from the boys. 21. What do you getll a blonde at the driving range? Because they might get a slice. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. Is that my golf bag in your pants because I just finished a long drive and I'd like to put my wood in it? "Golf is the perfect thing to do on a Sunday because you spend more time praying on the course than if you went to church." brockoli117 on Reddit.com. "Your game is so bad you had to have your ball retriever re-gripped!" Babe Ruth once said, "It took me 17 years to get three thousand hits in baseball. In case they get a hole-in-one! Im going to wash my balls, you want yours washed, too?, My arms are tired, I had so many strokes.. I just havent played yet. Muhammed Ali, I mean, who else could say something like this? I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer! Please add a link to this article. If you drink, dont drive. Kurt Philip Behm, Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. Whos there? Pick the quote from here which describes your inner thought. That's why I'm hoping you, Bleacher Report readers, will add some of your own content in the comments. He said. THE MATERIAL ON THIS SITE MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, DISTRIBUTED, TRANSMITTED, CACHED OR OTHERWISE USED, EXCEPT WITH THE PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF DISCOVERY GOLF, INC. 2023 DISCOVERY GOLF, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 15 very funny (and occasionally inappropriate) golf memes, 17 Awful (But Mostly Funny) Golf Fails from 2013, This new Top Flite commercial is sophomoric, inappropriate, and very funny. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. Are you hinting my apples aren't what they ought to be? 9. That means if you click and purchase, I may receive a small commission. What does masturbation and 4 putting have in common? So we finish the 18th, and he's gonna stiff me. As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. Ben Hogan, 25. Fear comes in two packages fear of failure, and sometimes, fear of success. Tom Kite, 21.

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